An Incident at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as Told by Vito
“You weren’t there? Holy crap that day was frickin’ crazy. Okay, listen to this. I just stepped outta Starbucks with my coffee — $4.50, do you believe that? I don’t know why the hell I went in there — and I’m lookin’ at the parade. Now I don’t usually go down to see the Macy’s parade but this year I thought what the hell? So I got my coffee and I’m tryin’ to get to the street so I can see better and this old bag starts yellin’ at me. So I might’ve knocked her walker over, so what? You pick it up and move on with your life. So I finally get to the sidewalk to watch the floats and balloons. This float that looks like a giant vegetable goes by, do you believe that shit? People dancing around on top of it dressed like carrots and onions, it was crazy. So right after that and some high school cheerleaders who — just between you and me — were lookin’ pretty damn good, comes this big lizard-thing, one of those dragons I guess, I mean the thing is huge. It’s sittin’ on the back of a truck and it’s got these big wings and these horn things. I hear somebody say it’s Disney’s newest thing, that they got some dragon movie comin’ out in the summer, but I don’t know nothin’ about that.
“So then the thing starts movin’ — not too much, just its head a little. And everybody’s like holy shit, I mean I never saw no float that looked like that. The eyes are blinkin’ and there’s even smoke comin’ out of its frickin’ nose!”
“And everybody’s starin’ up at this dragon and takin’ pictures and they don’t see what I see. The car behind the dragon revs up a little and I’m thinkin’ what the hell is this moron doin’? He must not have been payin’ attention and he runs over the dragon’s tail and that’s when all hell breaks loose. Now if it was a fake dragon, one of those paper machete type deals, it’d be no harm done, you go on with your life, but this dragon is pissed! I mean, this dragon is not happy some dipshit in a station wagon just ran over his tail. He starts making this sound, kinda like one of those dinosaur birds, you know, all screechy, and he leans forward and grabs the mayor sittin’ on the float in front of him! He eats the frickin’ mayor! Randolph McCardle! Can you believe that shit? I didn’t vote for him so I didn’t really care.
“So now everybody’s yellin’ and goin’ crazy, they know he ain’t no fake dragon no more. The dragon looks over to the side — the other side, not the one I was on thank Christ — and starts breathin’ fire on everybody! Cookin’ them like their frickin’ meatballs or somethin’!
“So now I take off and that old lady is yelling at me again. So I knocked her down, so what? When you got a dragon chasin’ you it’s everybody for themselves, that’s my opinion. Me and everybody else start runnin’ down the block and after a minute I turn around to see what’s goin’ on and I see the dragon flyin’ away, looked like he was headed towards the river. That was some crazy shit that day.
“The next day the papers were full of dragon shit. My favorite headline was ‘What a Drag, Giant Beast Eats Mayor.’ There wasn’t even any sports sections and it took me like two days to find out the Jets covered the spread — which they did, thank you very much, fifty dollars. I did read in the Post that Derek Jeeta — who was at the parade with some little hot blonde chick — ran away like a little girl. Not too surprising.
“Yeah, at first everybody thought it was the terrorists. One of those crazy groups even said they did it but it turned out they didn’t. That one guy — I can’t remember his name, you know, the head nut-job — sent some tape to somebody and when they translated it he said somethin’ like ‘where the fuck are we gonna get a dragon?’
“Everybody was blamin’ everybody, this was even worse than that time the Kermit balloon knocked that light post on that fat lady. But in the end the mayor got blamed. I guess they figured he was dead so what’s he gonna do?
“Yeah, they say that fucker is living on some bowlin’ alley in Secaucus or some place like that. But who gives a shit? It’s Jersey’s problem now.”
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Portland Fiction Project
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