It Must Be True, But It’s Fucking Embarassing
A Short Story by Doug Dean
Written using the suggestion "Tail"
Originally featured on 05-18-2007
As part of our series "Endings"

It must be true, but it’s pretty humiliating.

I mean, its humiliating that I smell every other dogs’ ass when I meet them. Hell whenever they are turned in a way that allows it. It’s uncontrollable. I stick my snout in there and I sniff. What am I sniffing for?

Well if what my dad says is true, I’m sniffing for my own ass.

I know. That may sound silly and for years when he said that, I’d just go right back to licking myself.

But I never tried not to do it before. And so it was easy to ignore. Last week, I was walking and came up to some sweet smelling trash and I was sniffing in there and then I saw the most striking bitch to ever walk on four legs. I wanted to pee on her right there. But I knew she had class because of that collar. So instead I told myself, “Gandalf, you’re just going to play this one cool. No sniffin’, no playful attempts at humping, just smile and find out her name.”

I even sat down to show her that I’m well-trained and lived with people once. Bitches usually love that.

So anyways I’m sitting there and she comes over and starts sniffing the trash and sticks her ass right in the vicinity of my nose and without any hesitation I’m sniffing it. Well she immediately starts sniffing my ass like a classless bitch and then we get a hold on ourselves and go our separate ways, humiliated.

Why do we do it? What are we sniffing for? Our own asses. Plain and simple.

It’s like my dad said. Back when we were all living in the Garden of Bones, we used to be able to take off our own asses but we weren’t supposed to. So anyway the great Master went away for the weekend and all the Golden Retrievers decided to have a party because they’re always so freakin’ jolly, right? And anyways the Dobermans started taking off their asses to impress the Bulldogs and eventually everybody’s got their asses off and then guess who comes back — yeah, of course — at the pinnacle of the party when everybody’s running around ass free, the great Master comes back and starts yelling and screaming and everybody scampers to find their ass. But they’re all piled up everywhere and nobody remembers where their ass is, so they just put on any ass. We all get kicked out of the Garden of Bones and most of us got the wrong ass.

It must be true, because I sniffed that bitch’s ass even though I didn’t wanna, but it’s fucking embarrassing.

Read More By Doug Dean

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