All About Me
A Short Story by Tim Josephs
Written using the suggestion "Tail"
Originally featured on 05-21-2007
As part of our series "Endings"

Rehab was hell. Actually, no it wasn’t, but that’s what my agent wants me to say, that it was hell but totally worth it and now that I’ve cleaned up my life I can contribute to making society a better blah blah blah.

The truth was rehab was a lot of fun. There were so many people I knew and a lot of cute guys, too. I know they said you weren’t supposed to you know, hook up with anybody, it was against the rules or something, but let me tell you, nobody follows the rules. Plus I had some of the best stuff I ever had, jeez one night I thought I’d never come down.

But enough about that, I’m out now, 30 days sober, as my agent wants me to keep reminding people. More like 30 minutes, ha ha.

So now that I’m out, what’s next for me? That’s a really good question. What I want to do is head over to Battalion and knock back about 40 shots, but my agent says I should probably wait at least a week before I’m seen in public again. And no bars, he tells me. Sometimes he can be so strict.

Sometimes it all seems like a dream. Sometimes I wake up, usually naked and surrounded by people I don’t know, and think, who am I, what am I doing here? By the time I sober up a little and start looking for my panties, whoops, I mean what panties?, it all starts coming back to me: I’m Nikki Bryson, heiress to the Hokey Pokey fortune.

Most people used to look at me funny when I told them that. “Hokey Pokey?” they’d say and laugh. “You mean that dance, turn yourself around and all that?” When I said yes, they’d laugh some more and walk away.

But it’s true, my grandfather and his partner — not partner like gay, even though I’d totally be cool with that — wrote the song like 60 years ago. Every time it plays, in the movies or on TV, my family gets money. Truthfully, anytime it plays anywhere, I mean, even someone humming it on the street, we’re supposed to get money, but the lawyers told me that would be impossible to collect and I should stop calling them.

Since I turned 18, I have access to my trust fund. I get an allowance every week, even though by Wednesday most of it’s usually gone! Of course they won’t tell me how much the entire estate is worth, but I’ve heard some people say it could be as much as 300 million. That seems hard to believe coming from a stupid song that took me forever to learn in like second grade, but I’m not complaining.

And now that I’ve become so famous, it’s great. I have so many great and important new friends and I get invited to all the best parties. It’s really everything I’ve always wanted and more.

But there is a down side, sometimes fame really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The paparazzi are always after me, wherever I go, they’re always there. The premieres, the parties, dinners, lunches, they’re there. It’s hard seeing unflattering pictures of yourself in the tabloids when you’re at the grocery store. I don’t actually go to the grocery store myself but I hear the maids talking.

And people are always making fun of me. I can’t seem to turn on the flat screen without hearing my name mentioned on talk shows and news channels like E!. People are always saying how dumb I am, but I finished high school and I did go to college, it was only for one semester but that’s because all my teachers hated me and I had to drop out.

Everyone’s always saying that I’ve done nothing and don’t deserve all this attention. But that’s just not true! My grandfather created a song that enriched the lives of probably billions of people! It’s not my fault he was my grandfather. I think people are just jealous.

And the stories they make up about me are horrible! I was never a stripper! At that party the DJ started playing the Hokey Pokey and of course everyone wanted me to get up and dance. At that point I had misplaced my top and when it came to the part of the song to put something in and then take something out, I mean, what else could I do?

And those rumors about me and Jason Randolph are just ridiculous! We’re just friends! So we go to a lot of the same parties, so what? He’s the heir to the Pin the Tail on the Donkey fortune, of course we’re going to be at the same events. And contrary to popular opinion, I did not give him a handy in the coat room at the Daytime Emmy Awards. Where do they come up with this stuff?

And speaking of other stuff they got wrong, me and that skank Whitney Barlow are not still friends. She thinks she’s so hot with all that Duck Duck Goose money to play with. Well, I got news for you Whitney, you’re not that hot! Maybe you should use that money for some lipo, you really need it. I very seriously regret ever making out with you in that White Castle bathroom.

But right now I really want to put that all behind me and just focus on my charity work. My agent told me it would be a good idea to tell people that, but I really want to do more than that, I want to actually do it! I don’t know what charity I want to help with yet, but I think something with children, or maybe animals. Trees are good too.

When I was in Africa last summer — god, it was so hot! — I showed a bunch of adorable kids wearing these really cute toga things how to do the Hokey Pokey. They didn’t seem to get it but we still had a lot of fun. I’ll always cherish that hour and a half I spent in that beautiful land.

My crazy friend, Haldo told me I should’ve adopted one of those little African children, just put him in my Gucci suitcase!, just like a lot of celebrities are doing these days. But my agent doesn’t really think that would’ve been such a good idea. Besides, I’m still practically a kid myself. And even though a little brown baby would make a great fashion accessory, I don’t think I’m quite ready for motherhood.

A lot of people keep asking me about my album and I keep telling them it’s not ready yet! The guys down at the studio told me they still have a lot of work to do on it. I don’t know what that means, I’m the one who was singing, right? I think my version of the Hokey Pokey was really good, I’m sure my grandfather would be proud. My agent thinks it’ll be a great single.

But besides my upcoming charity work and CD, a lot of people have told me I should do movies. I’m sure some people will say I’m already a movie star. Very funny. That personal and private tape, now cruelly called “Doin’ the Ol’ Hokey Pokey” was illegally stolen from me by my asshole ex-boyfriend Bruce Hamilton and although I think I look really good in it, it does not reflect my acting ability. My agent thinks I should wait for the right role to come along and I think so too. Maybe a scientist or teacher.

But I really don’t want to get bogged down with labels. I don’t want to just be called an actress or just a singer or just the hot Hokey Pokey heiress. I just want to be known as Nikki Bryson, amazing, all around talent.

On the bright side of things, my relationship with Gil Peterson is going really well. Gil’s cousin or uncle or somebody invented Tic-Tac-Toe so we have so much in common!

As most people know we met in the back of his limo. That night I had one — or 12! — too many Red Bull cocktails and needed a place to puke where the paparazzi wouldn’t find me and the door was unlocked. That’s where he found me passed out a few hours later. He took me home and it was really love at first sight. And he didn’t even feel me up when I was unconscious like he could of — and I wouldn’t have minded, he’s so cute! — but he was just a perfect gentleman. Next week is our one and a half month anniversary. I’m thinking of getting him something nice, something small like a watch or helicopter, I haven’t decided yet.

Sometimes I get sad. I know that must be weird to hear coming from the hot Hokey Pokey heiress but it’s true. Sometimes I think about all the bad things in the world and it really bothers me. My agent says that’s because I’m an empathetic person. I’m not sure about that, I don’t really like Mexican food.

But I can’t stay sad long, I have an image to maintain. My book is coming out soon and I need to look and feel my best when I’m out promoting it. It’s called What it’s Really All About and even though I haven’t read most of it, my ghost writer — that’s actually a real, live author and not what I first thought when my agent said it — assures me it’s really good. I’m sure it will be, I’m really one of the most interesting people I know.

Read More By Tim Josephs

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