How to Kill Your Slut Ex-Girlfriend
Please find enclosed the fourth and final installment in my series on how to kill your slut ex-girlfriend. I now agree with you that the previous three plans were too complicated and doomed to failure. It’s actually a good thing that you didn’t attempt those. I think you will find this plan to be foolproof and to your liking, as it utilizes your favorite round object: the marble. If you find that the following criteria can be met, and the circumstances are right, success is nearly unavoidable.
Therefore, if her hillside house is surrounded by huge maple trees, it’s late fall, she never rakes her leaves, her parking spot has a steep drop off, she’s often really tired after work, she’s not usually paying attention when she stops because she’s throwing her fucking cigarette out of the window and still smokes like a chimney even though you told her they’ll make her ugly someday, she likes to skid to a stop, you can’t afford to hire a hit man, and your slut ex-girlfriend cheated on you with a total stranger, this is the plan for you.
Step One: Acquiring the marbles.
You’ll need approximately 9,000 marbles. It will take about a week to get them, so get started immediately. Yes, to be completely untraceable it would be best to buy them with cash at hobby shops over a long period of time, but this would take too long and your slut ex-girlfriend needs to be punished now, so you’ll have to buy them over the internet. I found a wholesaler in Guadalajara who will sell them for three cents each if you buy 10,000 at once. (As an added bonus you’ll have about 1000 left over.) If you google “Guadalajara Mexico Wholesale Marbles Mega” you’ll find Jorge at Mega Marble. He seems like a caring individual. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to meet his family someday. I’ve alerted him that he may soon have a large order from you, so he’s ready. It will cost about $500 with shipping, but it’ll be worth it to see your slut ex-girlfriend die. Tell him you don’t care about the style, as long as they’re dark brown. Clearies, cat eyes, agates, shooters, commies, oxbloods, rainbows, it won’t matter. Size is important, however. Tell him they should all be about 15mm in diameter.
Step Two: The carpet.
While you wait for the marbles, go to a carpet warehouse and buy a remnant. It should be as close to eight feet by eight feet as you can get. If it’s larger than this cut it down to exactly eight by eight. In a perfect world I would prefer a much larger piece, but the weight of the final product would be unmanageable if it were any larger. Perhaps for your next victim? Just kidding! Anyway, if your slut ex-girlfriend’s parking spot is the same size as my slut ex-girlfriend’s, this will be perfect. The carpet’s color won’t matter at all, as you will see later, so you will end up with some pukey bright blue thing that they haven’t been able to sell for ten years and smells like the squirrel you found in your attic last spring. As with everything in life, length matters, so go for the tightest weave possible. No shags or deep piles, even if you find them to be aesthetically pleasing. You’ll be happy you followed my instructions to the letter when you’re sitting at you favorite bar watching the news about the tragic death of your slut ex-girlfriend, sipping a cold Pabst, trying to act surprised. But for now, take my advice and get really hard, tightly woven, hideous blue carpet.
Step Three: Painting It
Once you get the remnant home, turn it upside down in your garage. I hope you have at least a two-car garage. If it’s smaller, or you fear that your mother might wonder what you’re doing in there night after night, rent a large storage shed for three months and work in there. You should rent it for three months so they aren’t suspicious of your motives. Don’t worry about the cost, you cheap bastard. Isn’t the death of your slut ex-girlfriend worth it?
After you lay out the carpet (don’t get too drunk or high while you’re doing this or you might forget that it’s supposed to be upside down), place a thick layer of newspaper under and around all the edges. The newspaper must, and I repeat must, cover the floor very well, so be sure to overlap generously.
Next, grab the dark brown spray paint you bought last week at the Home Depot, and paint the back of the carpet. Don’t worry too much about getting it perfectly even, as the goal is just to make it dark so that it looks a lot like your slut ex-girlfriend’s wooden parking space. If you’re feeling really artsy go ahead and paint some slightly darker stripes to simulate the spaces between the boards of the deck. It’s not about the art so don’t think about it too much. It’s about getting back at your slut ex-girlfriend. Be careful when you paint not to get too much on the newspaper. I had you lay it out methodically and with great care, so that even if you are a little drunk or high when you paint it you won’t get any over spray on the floor. It is possible that the police might suspect you since a few people know how you feel about her, so you must remember to be careful. When you’re done painting stand back, drink a cold one, and reward yourself by boffing the bishop, waxing the dolphin, or spanking the monkey, whichever you prefer. Congratulations, you’ve taken the first step toward killing your slut ex-girlfriend! Let the paint dry overnight while you wait for step four.
Step Four: Enjoying the Marbles
Once the marbles arrive, a real celebration will be in order. You will have acquired all the necessary tools and supplies, and you should feel like a real man. I suggest removing all of your clothes, sniffing some model glue, and playing with the marbles for a while. They will probably come several thousand to a box. Put your bare hands, your sockless feet, even your face in the boxes, and feel the cool glass marbles on your skin. Pretend it’s a box of water, and splash the marbles upon your face and your arms. Put a few in your mouth and suck, swirl your tongue around, then spit them out and suck them back in.
A master must be one with his medium, so don’t be embarrassed to follow these next steps. I usually prefer to euphemize when I discuss rewarding yourself, but I think some frank technical talk is in order here. I suggest that you squat over a box, then slowly lower yourself until your testicles are on the surface of the marble sea, and wiggle and twist yourself as deep down as you can, until the marbles completely cover your genitals. Use your hands to push them around your penis, your scrotum, even your anus, but just get as submerged as possible. Once you’re in position wriggle around a bit. I bet it will be a new and exciting feeling. The second the novelty begins to wear off masturbate furiously. You can think of your slut ex-girlfriend bent over a chair being spanked if you need to, but I bet just feeling the cool glass pressing against your genitals will be more than enough. Just be sure you enjoy your reward for a job well done. Please don’t worry if a few of the marbles work their way up your butt and they don’t come back out right away. I’ve done some testing, and they’ll poke their little heads back out in one, two days max. (Note that you may have to wash and dry any marbles you soil for the next step.)
Step Five: Placing the Marbles
Next comes the gluing. This might take several nights, but if you have your Journey and Foreigner LPs playing in the background you’ll enjoy every minute of it and it won’t feel like work at all. It’s precise work, maybe even tougher than building airplane models or building dioramas of famous murder scenes, so you can’t be drunk or huffing gold paint when you do it.
Place a generous drop of Gorilla glue on a marble, press if firmly against the carpet, then repeat until the carpet is covered in marbles, approximately one inch apart. Don’t worry about being too precise; just do the best you can. Don’t place any on the edges; they will probably fall off during step six. While doing some field work last winter I experimented with time-saving steps like brushing glue across the back of carpet, then pouring the marbles out and spreading them around, but the weight of all the extra glue and irregular marble spacing made the carpet too heavy. Remember that you’re going to have to carry the marble carpet by yourself. Once you’ve placed all the marbles wait at least 24 hours for it to dry, before continuing to step six.
Step Six: Into the Van
Physically, this is the hardest part, and may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, unless you’ve dragged a dead body through the woods for several hundred yards in the summer heat in an unfamiliar Florida swamp, or had to strangle your family dog with your bare hands when your bullet didn’t manage to kill it, but I doubt you’ve had to do those things.
Carefully and slowly, roll the carpet. I’ve found that you don’t want to roll it very tight, or the marbles will dislodge and the whole mission will be in jeopardy. Once you have it rolled up, put it in your van. (Sorry if I forgot to mention earlier that you need a van.)
Step Seven and More: It all Comes Together.
I think you know what comes next. How can you not, if you’ve come this far? Here’s how it will play out:
On the first night you will go to her house at about 3 a.m. and loosen the safety rails on the edge of the parking area. These will be bolted in, so you’ll just need a socket set. Don’t remove them; leave just enough of the threads screwed in so that the rails won’t fall out on their own. Park at the bottom of the stairs directly below the parking spot and walk up to her house, so that your car isn’t seen, and so you don’t park in the same spot two nights in a row.
The big event should occur the following evening. Since she usually gets home at seven you should arrive at her house by 6 p.m. If you’re like me and you get off work at five you’ll have plenty of time. It will be completely dark by five-thirty, so if you wear all black and work quickly no one will see you. If you’re lucky enough to have an all-black paintball outfit like me, wear it. Pull your van next to the parking spot, hop out, and quickly rake the leaves to the side. Then, carefully drag the carpet out and unroll it. Be sure to place the carpet in the exact center of the parking spot.
Next, carefully but quickly rake and throw the leaves back over the marble carpet and the surrounding area. You will probably have to pick up quite a few leaves by hand and toss them around, to make it look natural. Pretend you’re an Indian, trying to hide your trail from the white man as he pursues you into the mountains. That’ll make it fun. Then, drive your car down the street and park. Don’t park at the bottom of the stairs immediately below the parking area like you did the night before, but instead drive to the bottom of the street you’re on and park there.
Next, wait in the little concrete alcove that houses the fire hydrant, across the street and just above her parking space. It’s a good thing that her street is so steep and treacherous that no one drives on it save for the few residents. If you press yourself against the back wall and you’re wearing nothing but black the odd motorist won’t see you. I’ve tested this position a few times and I’m happy to report it’s foolproof. Even pedestrians passed by without noticing.
When she finally comes home it will seem like you’ve been there forever. To make the time pass faster I suggest you keep your hand on Captain Johnson, forcing him to stand at attention.
When she appears she’ll be driving her little slut ex-girlfriend red Toyota two-door down the hill a little too fast, then turn left into her spot with her window down, and throw a cigarette out as she turns and attempts to come to rest in her space. Only this time the marbles will all break free from their glue as her wheels lock up, and her car won’t stop because she doesn’t have anti-lock brakes. The driver will not understand why it continues its forward progress, a little sideways and perhaps even spinning a bit, not at a fast pace, but just enough so that it continues through the loosened rails and off the edge. There’s a very small chance that her car will teeter on the edge and you have to give it a kick to help it begin its descent, but I think if you have followed these plans perfectly there won’t be a need. There’s about a 30-foot drop, so she might not die when she hits the bottom, but since you know she scoffs at the very idea of seat belts she’ll at least ram her head through the windshield and have a wicked scar.
Consider yourself a pro if Captain Johnson rewards you with a liquid salute just as she drops off the edge. Don’t worry if it doesn’t happen though, there will be time for that later. Just run down the street, get in your van, change your clothes, and head to Harvey’s Sports Bar immediately. It’s about a five-minute drive, so you should have time to recover before you order a beer and watch whatever athletic event they happen to offer at that moment. Be sure to pretend to be into the game, even if it’s something inane and lacking in real drama like volleyball, so you don’t seem out of place.
Step Eight: Enjoy Your Freedom and Look for a New Girlfriend
You should feel good about teaching your slut ex-girlfriend a lesson. I agree that it’s really all her fault for never talking to you or even once acknowledging your presence when she came to the mail room. Who does she think she is, sleeping with that guy from security anyway? She was your girlfriend, even if she didn’t know it, and she deserved what she got. It’s time to start looking for a new girlfriend. It might be a good idea to pick someone off the street this time, in case you have similar problems in the future.
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