Hi, there! I’m glad you could make it! Is that strudel? It looks wonderful! Everybody’s just starting to set up and we have a spot all ready for you down at the end. Is this your first time here? What am I saying, of course it is! I’ve been organizing every bake sale for the past nine years. They don’t call me Betsy “The Bake Sale Queen” Shoemacher for nothing! Okay, follow me.
Hi, Melissa Steeves! Those cupcakes look delicious! (Melissa’s been doing this almost as long as me. She’s great but try to stay away from her husband Paul. The man gets a little alcohol in him and he’s an octopus. We had to stop selling rum balls because of him.)
Hello, Judy Granger! Are those cookies in the shape of motorcycles? I don’t know how you do it! (I especially don’t know how she does it with all those pills she’s on; let me tell you, if you ever get a look insider her purse you’ll swear she’s got a pharmacy in there.)
Marcia Wong, how are you?! Carrot cake? Are you trying to get me to break my diet?! It looks wonderful! (I wish I could say the same for her daughter; the poor girl looks like one of Shrek’s kids.)
Patrick McDougall, great to see you! Those brownies look so good! (Patrick’s nice but gay as a French ice skater. Not that there’s anything really wrong with that.)
Is that Stephanie Andrews with the yummy-looking cinnamon rolls? I hardly recognized you, you’re looking younger all the time! (That’s no surprise, the woman’s had more work done on her than the Statue of Liberty.)
Bert and Linda Reynolds, how are you guys?! Peanut butter pie? Looks terrific! (Swingers.)
Hello, Jamie Burns! Those cream puffs look delicious! (Jamie’s son Mike is the school drug dealer.)
Hi, Sandy Vaughn! Banana bread? Now we’re talking! (Three loaves, that means she ate the first two. I swear the woman gets fatter by the minute.)
Gloria Mendez, is that chocolate cheesecake? How’d you know it was my favorite?! (Seven kids, three different fathers.)
Hi, Gina Murphy! That must be your famous peach pie! Make sure you save a piece for me! (I wouldn’t go near that pie, the woman has more body hair than a Sasquatch.)
David Stanton, how are you?! Those lemon squares look scrumptious! Say hello to Carol for me! (His poor wife has been in and out of the hospital for a year now, that’s why they have a live-in nanny. And from what I hear, she’s been living in David’s pants.)
And here you are. You can put the bags under the table and the garbage is right there. Any questions come and find me, okay? Oh, I think I see another newbie looking a little confused, I better go direct her. I’m going to sit her right next to you, okay? See you in a bit. Oh, by the way, did I hear that you’re originally from Canada? Interesting. Well, bye now!
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